Hi. it’s me. I know I haven’t written for a long time, I think it’s been two months, and a lot has happened. Some good. Some bad. I want to apologize for the lack of updates. When I entered into North Island College’s Graphic Design program I never realized the workload that it would entail. The labs and projects due every week. Assignments. Quizzes and Tests. The last two months have been a lesson in time management. A lesson that I failed for two months and now I am struggling to catch up.
Let’s start with the good. I love this program, it allows me to be creative and work on designs while also learning about marketing. I have learned more about the creative side of marketing in the last two months, than I have in three years of North Island College’s marketing program. The profs are better. They understand of students and allow our creativity to flourish.
I realize that this was something that I needed. Other people have noticed that too. A lot of people come up to me and tell me how good I’m looking. How happy I am. It’s not that I hated myself, it’s that I hated the state that I was in. I learned a lot about theory. I can recite “Porter’s Five Forces” or the “Boston Matrix”, but throughout the Business Program there was nothing on creativity, no assignments to create ads for a business or helping with their marketing endeavours.
Being in the Advanced Communication and Interactive Design Diploma has taught me that I can be creative, look at different ways of thinking about how the world works.
Now the bad side. These past two months have been hell. Depression and Social Anxiety. It’s tough to be on a campus with a lot of people, especially after you were afraid to come to school because of the bullying that happened two years ago. I know there are good people here. Still being on campus for long periods of time causes my anxiety to flare.
It doesn’t help when you run out of money, like I did while repaying student loans and paying tuition. I ran out of money for counselling and towards the end of September I ran out of money for medication. I went a week without Citalopram. That was the week where I found out I should never go a week without Citalopram. Luckily I didn’t inflict self-harm during that time.
Self-harm would come towards the end of the month. This past weekend I slept and had nightmares. Saturday night was the worst. I woke up inflicting self-harm. Last night flashbacks started. Nightmares about being bullied. It’s weird because you see the faces about who did it. You hear their verbal assaults. Get scared to go to work or school all because of what happened a couple years ago. They cycle repeats with depression and anxiety.
As November rolls on, I find myself back to where I was. I’m seeing my counsellor again. Somehow I think this month is going to be my hardest, it’s been a year since I tried to kill myself. I’m also writing more which I hope will counteract that. Hopefully to the point where there are 2 pieces a week.